Security

All is quiet in the house, as I am the only one here. Go figure. The girls are off with my brother and his wife for the weekend and I miss them terribly. Isn't it funny how the school day never seems long enough and yet I send them away for a weekend because I feel as though I am at my wits end with temper tantrums and hearing the constant mooooooommmmmyyyy being called to me, sometimes even 2 inches from my face. I was perfectly okay with them leaving for the night until I came home from next door to a voice mail from my sister who transported them the 45 minute drive since she was headed that way anyway, asking whether or not Sissy had her "teddy" packed up in her bag. I looked at the couch and no my poor baby left home without her night time security. I look again and she also left the dvd she asked Kenny to borrow for the weekend. I almost started crying that is after a small bout of anger with my sister for her "even if you didn't I'm not turning around to get it!"

However, thinking about it got me started thinking about Kenny and my baby girl on the way. Is she going to be like Sere and Sissy? Is she going to need some sort of a "security" as well? Sere has never really had a security, her main security has always been "I need someone to cuddle with me or please just tickle my back" when she is upset. Sissy has always been since birth middle finger and ring finger straight to mouth, along with a wrap around sewn tag to a stuffed animals butt right to her upper lip. Is Aryana going to be our lil miss independent? Who will she take after? What will she look like? How can I possibly handle 3 little girls running around this small place? Will she cling to me as Sere did immediately after birth or will she be daddy's precious angel baby who wants nothing to do with mommy unless she has food as Sissy very much did. Will she have enough room in her little heart for equal love of both of us? So many questions fill my head every time I think of her. Sometimes I think happy thoughts and imagine this picturesque family portrait and others I see myself crying in the middle of the living room floor without a clue. I don't know why.. Do all parents question their parental abilities on a daily basis? More often than not I feel as though I am not the best mother I can be, in fact I know that I'm not, most days I feel as though I'm not a good mom at all and that terrifies me to no end.
I think that might be why I'm so clingy when it comes to Kenny lately.. maybe he is my security...